en·dur·ance

/ɛnˈdʊərəns, -ˈdyʊər-/ Show Spelled[en-door-uhns, -dyoor-] Show IPA
–noun

1. the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.

2. the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina: He has amazing physical endurance.

3. lasting quality; duration: His friendships have little endurance.

4. something endured, as a hardship; trial.


There is a reason why professional athletes continue to train in their off-season. There's a reason why the soul needs to be fed its spiritual goodness. There's a reason why Husband and Wife should continue to be faithful, open and honest.


It comes as no surprise to some, but a huge surprise to me, that my Wife has opted out of the marriage. For reasons that I cannot come to understand, and probably never will. It causes deep pain within me to imagine the amount of discomfort she obviously feels within our once loving relationship.

I have never been through such struggles that has physically caused my knees to buckle, and to come crashing to the ground in literal fits of sobbing.
The sight of any couple walking down the street hand-in-hand, or eating at a restaurant, or driving down the simple has never been so heart wrenching.
Normally, I'm looking at them and comparing Mel and I and thinking there is no way that couple shares the same amount of love as we do.

How wrong I was...

I sit here typing this blog with tears streaming down my cheeks, splashing onto the bed that my Wife and I once shared, trying to figure out if this is reality, or just some sick, twisted dream- nothing but the saddest of songs playing from my iTunes. And then, almost as to pry in the final dagger, the song that my Wife sang for me at our wedding begins to blind me from the insurmountable tears that are fighting their way out. Just let it out, Mike... Let them come...

...

Moments pass, and I don't feel any better. In fact, it hasn't changed one thing. I'm still going to sleep tonight, and waking up alone. No one to comfort me, no one to say "It's going to be ok!" Just me and my Heavenly Father. And, I remind my self that that is OK. That, the one person who will never turn his back on me, no matter what, is still here to listen to me.

Melodie has given up. She's given up on me, she has given up on our marriage and she's given up on herself to allow herself the opportunity to love me again.
Just like that.


I remember when I first met Melodie. She was more to me than anyone had ever been. We didn't know how we were going to make it work- we just knew that we would. And we prevailed. Melodie moved to Sydney. We were in love. We planned a wedding. We had the most beautiful ceremony.

I remember talking to her about our future- about both of us going back to school, about children and our children's names. What kind of jobs we'd have, where we'd most like to go with each other. What we'd turn out like in our 50's, 60's, 70's etc. All those hopes and dreams- torn away in less than a heart beat. The final dagger through the heart- "I am not in love with you anymore".

And with that said, the chapter closes. She reassured me that there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to change how she felt. I could not change me, I could not change the situation, I could not talk with her or try to work it out, even though I was willing to go 100%, even if it meant starting all over again. Melodie obviously found it more convenient to just sever the relationship at the roots. Chop down the tree so it comes crashing to the ground and tear the roots up and burn them to a crisp. No seeds to recreate what once was so majestic and beautiful.

There is an infinite of pain and hurt running through my veins this very second. Disappointment. Betrayal. But, within it all, there is no anger. There is no hate. There is only love still deep in my soul for the Woman who I thought would be at my side until my final breath on this Earth, and then to share eternity with in the Celestial Kingdom.

I've come to realise that the only thing I'm guilty of is opening my heart and sharing it at its fullest. I felt comfortable and secure enough to do that. I felt the love and passion. Is that a scary thing for someone to accept? Is it so devastatingly frightening that you can be loved that you pull yourself out from it completely?




Through all of this, I have to continue to look at the positives I have out of this.
-I have some amazing memories of visiting exciting places and meeting people with Melodie.

-I no longer smoke cigarettes, nor drink alcohol (often)

-I rekindled my relationship with Heavenly Father.

Surely, that is not the reason why I was brought to Melodie. Her purpose was not to show me the way to the Gospel, and then to leave? Surely not!
I mentioned to one of our mutual friends from Sydney that Heavenly Father's plan no longer involved Melodie and I together as a married couple.
He said that was preposterous and that Heavenly Father always wants married couples to stay together.



My future looks dark and lonely. I am lost, and I am sincerely afraid. But, I must dig deep and find that endurance. I have to accept what has happened whether I like it or not. Melodie and I are no longer in a loving relationship, I must move on.

But, then, I think... I dedicated my life to that Woman. That one woman. Even though I was not yet a member, I vowed to her, before Heavenly Father, that I would always be there for her, no matter what. I made a binding contract what she was my Wife and she would be until forever. Melodie isn't holding her end of the bargain. Does that mean I just move on to the next girl I hit it off? God forbid, I hate to even think about this but, if Melodie were killed in an accident, I would not bring myself to even look at another woman. I'm sure of it. The last memory I would have was being in a loving relationship with the one Woman I trusted whole-heartedly.
And I still feel the same way. I look at other women (short, tall, fat, thin, white, black, asian, gorgeous, or not...) and I cannot see myself laughing with them, shopping with them, sitting at home on the couch with them, sleeping with them, or being married to them.

I think my heart is destined to bottle up its love and to release my passion into my professional work or other areas of my life.

These times are so confusing and so self-doubting

I lie here, on her bed, in her house... Alone. I look down and I see a puddle of water on the sheets that has formed over the past hour of typing this crap.

I can see now that I have a long, painful journey to endure. As Melodie would say, "It's not worth dwelling over"...



1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.