True Love.

I do realise that this blog has swayed off of the whole 'spiritual' aspect, and more into a personal one.

Love is a funny feeling. No, love is not a feeling- sadness is a feeling, happiness is a feeling, anger is a feeling- love is more than that. Love is sacred and special. Love is a way of life.

I sat down with my Wife today, face-to-face for the first time in 6 weeks, to be told that we would no longer be in a relationship. She wanted out. And, that hurt. Initially, it hurt to think that she did not want to be with me anymore, especially considering I had done no wrong by her. But, as I sit here with the reality setting in, I realise what it is that makes this so painful.

Even after having your heart torn out, spat on and set on fire by the one you love, that love does not diminish. At this point in time, I love Melodie more than ever. And that love is going nowhere. she will not receive it.

I miss her so badly. I love her so intensely. When will I wake up from this crazy nightmare?

en·dur·ance

/ɛnˈdʊərəns, -ˈdyʊər-/ Show Spelled[en-door-uhns, -dyoor-] Show IPA
–noun

1. the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc.

2. the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina: He has amazing physical endurance.

3. lasting quality; duration: His friendships have little endurance.

4. something endured, as a hardship; trial.


There is a reason why professional athletes continue to train in their off-season. There's a reason why the soul needs to be fed its spiritual goodness. There's a reason why Husband and Wife should continue to be faithful, open and honest.


It comes as no surprise to some, but a huge surprise to me, that my Wife has opted out of the marriage. For reasons that I cannot come to understand, and probably never will. It causes deep pain within me to imagine the amount of discomfort she obviously feels within our once loving relationship.

I have never been through such struggles that has physically caused my knees to buckle, and to come crashing to the ground in literal fits of sobbing.
The sight of any couple walking down the street hand-in-hand, or eating at a restaurant, or driving down the simple has never been so heart wrenching.
Normally, I'm looking at them and comparing Mel and I and thinking there is no way that couple shares the same amount of love as we do.

How wrong I was...

I sit here typing this blog with tears streaming down my cheeks, splashing onto the bed that my Wife and I once shared, trying to figure out if this is reality, or just some sick, twisted dream- nothing but the saddest of songs playing from my iTunes. And then, almost as to pry in the final dagger, the song that my Wife sang for me at our wedding begins to blind me from the insurmountable tears that are fighting their way out. Just let it out, Mike... Let them come...

...

Moments pass, and I don't feel any better. In fact, it hasn't changed one thing. I'm still going to sleep tonight, and waking up alone. No one to comfort me, no one to say "It's going to be ok!" Just me and my Heavenly Father. And, I remind my self that that is OK. That, the one person who will never turn his back on me, no matter what, is still here to listen to me.

Melodie has given up. She's given up on me, she has given up on our marriage and she's given up on herself to allow herself the opportunity to love me again.
Just like that.


I remember when I first met Melodie. She was more to me than anyone had ever been. We didn't know how we were going to make it work- we just knew that we would. And we prevailed. Melodie moved to Sydney. We were in love. We planned a wedding. We had the most beautiful ceremony.

I remember talking to her about our future- about both of us going back to school, about children and our children's names. What kind of jobs we'd have, where we'd most like to go with each other. What we'd turn out like in our 50's, 60's, 70's etc. All those hopes and dreams- torn away in less than a heart beat. The final dagger through the heart- "I am not in love with you anymore".

And with that said, the chapter closes. She reassured me that there was absolutely NOTHING I could do to change how she felt. I could not change me, I could not change the situation, I could not talk with her or try to work it out, even though I was willing to go 100%, even if it meant starting all over again. Melodie obviously found it more convenient to just sever the relationship at the roots. Chop down the tree so it comes crashing to the ground and tear the roots up and burn them to a crisp. No seeds to recreate what once was so majestic and beautiful.

There is an infinite of pain and hurt running through my veins this very second. Disappointment. Betrayal. But, within it all, there is no anger. There is no hate. There is only love still deep in my soul for the Woman who I thought would be at my side until my final breath on this Earth, and then to share eternity with in the Celestial Kingdom.

I've come to realise that the only thing I'm guilty of is opening my heart and sharing it at its fullest. I felt comfortable and secure enough to do that. I felt the love and passion. Is that a scary thing for someone to accept? Is it so devastatingly frightening that you can be loved that you pull yourself out from it completely?




Through all of this, I have to continue to look at the positives I have out of this.
-I have some amazing memories of visiting exciting places and meeting people with Melodie.

-I no longer smoke cigarettes, nor drink alcohol (often)

-I rekindled my relationship with Heavenly Father.

Surely, that is not the reason why I was brought to Melodie. Her purpose was not to show me the way to the Gospel, and then to leave? Surely not!
I mentioned to one of our mutual friends from Sydney that Heavenly Father's plan no longer involved Melodie and I together as a married couple.
He said that was preposterous and that Heavenly Father always wants married couples to stay together.



My future looks dark and lonely. I am lost, and I am sincerely afraid. But, I must dig deep and find that endurance. I have to accept what has happened whether I like it or not. Melodie and I are no longer in a loving relationship, I must move on.

But, then, I think... I dedicated my life to that Woman. That one woman. Even though I was not yet a member, I vowed to her, before Heavenly Father, that I would always be there for her, no matter what. I made a binding contract what she was my Wife and she would be until forever. Melodie isn't holding her end of the bargain. Does that mean I just move on to the next girl I hit it off? God forbid, I hate to even think about this but, if Melodie were killed in an accident, I would not bring myself to even look at another woman. I'm sure of it. The last memory I would have was being in a loving relationship with the one Woman I trusted whole-heartedly.
And I still feel the same way. I look at other women (short, tall, fat, thin, white, black, asian, gorgeous, or not...) and I cannot see myself laughing with them, shopping with them, sitting at home on the couch with them, sleeping with them, or being married to them.

I think my heart is destined to bottle up its love and to release my passion into my professional work or other areas of my life.

These times are so confusing and so self-doubting

I lie here, on her bed, in her house... Alone. I look down and I see a puddle of water on the sheets that has formed over the past hour of typing this crap.

I can see now that I have a long, painful journey to endure. As Melodie would say, "It's not worth dwelling over"...



1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

3 he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Retract that last post...

Unless you’ve been through it, you cannot comprehend the heartache it causes when your Significant Other tells you that he / she does not love you as they should.
When hearing that they are giving up, you too begin to sense that feeling of giving up.

I have put Melodie in this position before, though my love ran so deep, even though I threatened to leave- it was never something I knew I could follow through with. The grass never looked greener on the otherside, regardless of the pain that I had experienced. Still, through times like these, the grass on the otherside still has a brown, dying look to it.

However, we all have choices. It is true that we all have the right of free agency, and so I am taking advantage of that right and am putting my whole into this relationship. Some may say that I am setting myself up for a broken heart, or similar. I disagree emphatically. A broken heart would consist of the Woman you love so dearly leaving you, just like that. No chance to reconcile, no chance to make any sense of it. Just, up and gone- that whole feeling of security and having that person by your side, shattered.

The only way to come out of a relationship such as this, is to sincerely open up, be utterly honest and open and to allow the other person to take the time to understand where the other is coming from.

It would be a blatant lie if I said I was never, and never will be afraid, or scared, of being a Husband and Father. There is a lot of responsibility that comes with that title, that privilege- and I am not about to shy away from that responsibility at the first sign of trouble within our relationship.
Much like there is a lot of responsibility with being a Husband, the same would apply to being a Wife (though, I can not speak from experience).
It is a frightening ordeal for to young people to go through, and it is even more frightening to go through it alone as we both have pretty much since 6 weeks after our marriage.



How should a Man love his Wife? How should a Woman love her Husband? Are there any set rules? There are those typical generalizations that a Woman should look after the household (cleanliness, children, meals, etc.) and that a Man should provide the income and the love for his family. Though, Melodie and I are not that ‘typical’ couple. Melodie is very independent and enjoys working in her field of Musical Theater. I too love working in my field of Health & Fitness very much.

I believe the only type of love that one should show, is what comes from their heart. Even if things seemed bleek and miserable on the outside, so long as what was going on on the inside was of pure love, then trials such as these can be overcome.

If Melodie agrees, then I will board that ship on the 22nd with no expectations. No expectations of being together forever, nor of failure. I will be honest, loving, supportive and caring as best as I know how. And, I hope that Melodie will do the same.

Then, and only then, can we say that we gave it our best shot. Until that moment comes when we are both certain it will not work, it is not over!

This, for now, is out of my Hands.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please guide our hearts, our minds and our souls to lead us to each other so that we may work through this as a family- As Husband and Wife. Bless us with the strength, courage, honesty and love to attack this trial. To rebuild the damage of which the Devil has plagued us with. Thou strengths, powers and abilities are of no match for the Devil and his weak ways.

I say these things humbly in the Name of our Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Too much absence and the heart will wander.

I’m not the first Man to enter this predicament, and I sure as heck won’t be the last. However, I’m sure each incident contains its own, strange uniqueness.
For those who were lucky enough to be a part of mine and Melodie’s life in our good times, you will have those fond memories of us being together, smiling, laughing and having fun. Those are the images that are permanently etched into my memory.

Your heart aches for someone so badly. You long for them when they’re not near. You pray for them each morning and evening and everything in between. You believe that your love is something so extraordinary that you can go through hell and back, and still maintain that momentum, that motivation, that determination to endure until the end.

I finally arrived in the USA on August 10th, after almost a whole year of being separated due to me having to pursue a visa, we were finally at the final steps. Melodie had been in rehearsals for her upcoming ship contract, which we had both agreed she would do, and I would travel with her as spouse on board.

To me, everything seemed fine, up until a few weeks ago. Communication begun to break down, and when we did talk, there was no enthusiasm or spark. Things were beginning to become bleek.
This is when I turned to Heavenly Father. With sincere prayer and fasting, I was holding onto the belief that given a chance, we would be able to work out our differences that were created throughout the past year.

Unfortunately, Heavenly Father’s plan for the two of us did not involve each other at this stage. At first, I questioned the plan of Heavenly Father, but was quick to retract any questioning. Who am I to question the plan of Heavenly Father?

My heart aches, and the future I envisioned for myself has been crushed, but only momentarily. I know I must remain on this higher spiritual plane. I have to ride this wave as far as it takes me. If I begin to dwell on ‘what could have been…’ I will only cause more stress and heartache within my already fragile heart. I need to place all of my faith in Heavenly Father and continue to strive towards a happy and bright future for myself. As one of the Quorum of the Twelve said during the 180th General Conference- “It takes two people to accomplish tasks. Yourself, and Heavenly Father”.

This ordeal has not damaged my relationship with our Saviour, Jesus Christ, our Heavenly Father, nor the Church as a whole.

I will keep Melodie in my prayers as she, too, struggles with this decision of hers. I have no ill feelings towards my (ex?) Wife. I have always wanted the best for her, and if she feels she is at her best without me, then so be it! That is something I will need to come to terms with and move forward.

It hurts to break such a sacred relationship. I never envisioned Melodie and I growing apart, especially so soon in our relationship. I saw a lot of potential, a lot of fun times and a lot of love over the years. Unfortunately, she saw something different- and it pains me to know that I could not make her happy.

Time to move on to the next chapter…

It will be tough, there is no question in that. I ask for your prayers for Melodie and for myself.

Dear Diary...

I've made it to the USofA! Finally, after much stress and pulling-of-the-hair-out, I am HERE!! Whoop-di-doo!

It doesn't come without its pain and suffering, however. Although, in saying that, there is always a lesson to be learned from the heart-ache, the pain and the suffering.

With a year's long separation from my Wife, there was bound to be some emotional and mental drawbacks between us, as well as within us. I can't speak too much for Melodie, but for myself, I know I haven't been 'me' for the past 12 months. And, after a 1/2 hour long conversation with my Mum, she totally agrees.

I knew something had to be done, and had to be done quick if I were to save 'it all'.

I began with fasting on Wednesday night 8th Sept, 2010. That took me right through until 9:30pm Thursday night. I waited so long because I had set up an appointment with the Bishop of our Ward for a blessing.
This was my first blessing I was ever to receive, and it was something of which I cannot explain.

Bishop Smith took the time to fill me in on how a blessing works, and that the words that are said are not entirely important- to some they are. However, it is the act of the blessing, or the power that is instilled within person being blessed based on his or fer level of faith so to speak.

To say that the blessing was a spiritual moment in my life is an understatement if I've ever heard one before! Bishop Smith placed his hands on my head and he paused, and he waited until the time was right. The moment before he began talking, an overwhelming sense of calm had taken over me. All the emotions and confusion which had ruled my life for so many months seemed to melt away in a heartbeat. There was no holding back as the tears began to stream from my eyes. All of the negativity that was being held onto was being rejected from my mind, body and soul in such a way that I kicked myself for not putting my faith into Heavenly Father and his abilities sooner.

Once the blessing was complete, Bishop sat by me on his desk and I was motionless. I was more confused than ever as to how this simple, yet powerful process could almost instantaneously change my whole perception of EVERYTHING- be it my personal life, my professional life and my married life.

I sat in the car in the carpark of the ward, just, still. As I left the gates to the ward, the tears began flowing again. And, I mean like, pouring. I was sobbing, I couldn't breathe and the tears were beginning to blind my vision which was a little dangerous on the road with an empty stomach!
What was different to these tears, as opposed to the tears I've cried many time over the past 12 months is that these were legitimate tears of pure joy. The feeling of starting fresh and new.

Today was a new day, and I knew the Lord's work was not yet complete. I woke with the spirit surrounding my bed posts. I decided to e-mail my testimony to my Wife and to pray. Today would be another day of fasting. 2 consecutive days. Our proof of what can come of fasting made me excited to sacrifice another 2 meals for an end goal that is so much more to me!

At the moment, my day continues and my spirits are amazing. I'm listening to the 180th General Conference with a smile as wide as the Sydney Harbour Bridge spread across my stupid looking face.
More importantly, I'm realising again who I am and why I am here.

I am Michael Thompson. I'm 23 years of age and I am honoured to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ. I am a happily married man to the most wonderful Wife that Heavenly Father could have linked me with and I am full of energy and full of faith to help me get through the obstacles ahead.

I never knew what inner-strength was. Now, I know the inner-me is stronger, and more mature than that of the old me!

Adios!